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The thing about getting enough sleep is that… it sucks. Seriously. Who would ever want to have energy and a decent immune system? But, as we all know, sometimes it can be hard to resist, especially since there’s never anything else to get done around here. Well, folks, it looks like this is your lucky day. Just follow these eleven easy and exciting steps, and you will never sleep again! You can thank me later in person. Hey, how’s 4:00 in the morning sound?

Step One: Seminars

Just follow my motto: “The more the better, baby.” Those twin twenty-pagers are guaranteed to keep you tossing and turning days after the due-date. And the extension-due-date. And the slip-a-twenty-under-the-table-honest-to-god-I-swear-I’ll-do-it-by-Monday due-date.

Step Two: Dhall Coffee

All right, folks. I know it sucks. It’s like drinking a very watered-down version of the turpentine Van Gogh used to clean his paintbrushes. But it probably won’t make you cut your own ear off, and we’ve got a long night to get through.

Step Three: Burling Green Tea

Don’t let the cozy temperatures and soporific jungle-gyms fool ya: this little guy can pack a punch. Where do you think those finals week candy-throwers get their energy? It’s certainty not all from the thrill of doing a good deed.

Step Four: Monday Night Gardner

Your favorite indie-alternative spoken word rock duo is coming to town. (Yes, they’re getting pretty big now, but we all know that you knew them back in high school, when they were just the two kids who got in trouble for humming under their breath in math class.) With your your o-chem midterm scheduled for tomorrow, you won’t be sleeping a wink tonight, you lucky cat, you. Even more exciting: this particular procrastination gold mine has the added benefit of sensory overload. Between the sticky floors, super sonic sounds, and, shall we say, tactile feedback, you don’t have to worry about sleeping for weeks!

Step Five: Loggia Windows

Throw a pair of drunk-ass first-years right outside of yours. If you’re really trying not to doze off, give ‘em some Everclear. Or a megaphone. Or a vuvuzela. (Just don’t let them fall off.)

Step Six: The Train

Let’s start a petition to make it louder.

Step Seven: Neighbors

Are your neighbors too polite and mindful of self-gov to keep you up all night? No fear. Here’s the plan: you distract them while I sneak into their room, turn their speakers up to full volume, and replace all of their stylish (but sadly oh-so-quiet) new Birckenstocks with tap shoes. That oughta do the trick!

Step Eight: Roommates

This one works best if you steal their headphones and personally fund their Netflix subscription. Oh, and their popcorn consumption. Bonus points if you buy them a microwave so they can pop their popcorn right in the room during the wee hours of the early morning. Spendid!

Step Nine: Fire alarms

If Main and Cleveland aren’t doing their part, you could always speed things up a bit by toasting your bagel a little too zealously. Sometimes we have to take things into our own hands to get what we want.

Step Ten: Fall in Love

Or you could just hook up with that guy who was in your tutorial… Wait maybe that was someone else. Guess you’ll just have to employ the good ol’ late night (early morning) Facebook stalk to get to the bottom of this one. You were wondering what color tie he wore to Prom his junior year, right?

Step Eleven: The Iowa Night Sky

Enjoy it while you can, people. They don’t make stars like this everywhere. Get caught up and carried away. Enjoy them so much that you ignore your work, your friends, lose your sense of self, and snap back to reality 5 hours later. Yipee, lucky for you now it is only 2 hours until the sunrise!