By Lil B

Lil B or BASEDGOD cares deeply about the quality of your life. At its core, Lil B’s philosophy ascertains that each person should “love yourself and accept.”

While his songs do not consistently reinforce this message—trumpeting his sexual prowess and wealth or disparaging rivals for shopping at Whole Foods—Lil B’s calls for positivity and self-respect inform his every action.

In the spirit of self-love, The GUM is proud to publish Lil B’s syndicated advice column, #basedvice. Based

Dear #basedvice,

I really like this guy but my friends think he’s mediocre at best. They don’t know him and have never really hung out with him but they give me so much shit about him! He’s funny and super nice. I don’t want to stop seeing him, but my friends are making me feel really bad about being interested in him. What do I do? I do not know how to solve this problem.

— Social Pressure is No Fun

Dear Social Pressure is No Fun,

If this guy is really as #based as you claim he is, your friends will see him for that. Otherwise, they are fake friends and don’t fucks wid ‘em. But attraction can blind you to things your friends might see to be real! They may know he is not #based and not a true based disciple. Even Lil B goes to “The Basedgod,” because Lil B knows he is only a mere human and “The Basedgod” is so much more than that! #tybg Who is right? Only time will tell. Remember: “Life is how you perceive it.” Make your life #positive. [Morgan Freeman voice]

— #basedvice

Dear #basedvice,

Is the world going to end in 2012?

— I Don’t Know if Finals are Worth It

Dear I Don’t Know if Finals are Worth It,

Wow wow deep stuff. The Mayans were astronomical and smart in maths, but they forgot about one thing in their predictions: Lil B. As long as “The Basedgod” lives, the world and universe and even the sun itself will continue to exist how we know them to. That is why protecting Lil B and Lil B’s music is so important. Task Force Bitch Mob, it is your duty to protect Lil B and his music. We must all sacrifice so the world will stay #based and we are blessed by his #rare music. Your cousins Cat Force must protect Keke the Adopted Tabby Cat and Lil B and his music! You must work together like family to do this! The haters will never stop coming for Lil B. Protect him!!

— #basedvice 

Dear #basedvice,

There are too many yams in my kitchen!  What do I do?

— All I Want for My Birthday is a BBH

Dear All I Want for My Birthday is a BBH,

You need to get rid of those yams to be #based!  Get rid of all those negative influences in your life and stay #positive!  Drugs not the answer to living a #based life!  Especially not cocaine or heroin!  Those destroy lives!  This is not in the teachings of “The Basedgod” and so have no place in any based disciples’ life!  Repent and let Lil B fill your soul through his #rare music and words!!  Lil B save this one who has gone astray #tybg

— #basedvice

Dear #basedvice,

I think I just started my period! What does this mean?! What do I do? Also I may be a communist!

—Red Dawn

Dear Red Dawn,

Looks like you live at the height of the Red Fever.  Haha history joke (Herodotus voice) our body goes through changes so that we reach a higher level of #based in the long run!  Ask your mom or a specialist about specifics, Lil B believes knowledge is power so arm yourself and be powerful.  Protect Lil B and his music with that power!  It arises from Basedworld!  It is your duty!  That is why you must also renounce communist, as Lil B said, “IM HEARING ABOUT SOME OF THE RULES AND LAWS NOT PASSED, ITS SAD THAT IN AMERICA WE ARE COMMUNIST, BUT WE THINK WE ARE FREE” communism is not #based is what this passage implies!  To be strong and #based give up your communist ideals and protect lil b and his music!

—#basedvice

Dear #basedvice,

I think I’m in love. Every time I see the object of my affection I can feel the butterflies in my stomach and my heart beating fast than it should. After spending an hour on Yahoo! Answers, I can’t call what I’m feeling anything but love. The only problem is, I’ve fallen in love with Nicki Minaj’s ass and I’m afraid it won’t love me back. Is this wrong? What should I do?

—#hopelessromantic

Dear #hopelessromantic,

Your plight is one felt by many across the world.  The jiggles of that perfect booty have enraptured the minds of all types of people:  weak, mediocre, lazy, great, even legends!  In order to win da booty you got to want da booty with all your heart more than the rest.  Be real and stay #based and don’t let the doubts get to you!  Even legends like Lil B “The Basedgod” has doubts sometimes!  When he let the world into the inner workings of his #rare mind at NYU earlier this year, he let us know, “‘Y’all make me feel gorgeous, but sometimes you go to the mirror like, “Oh my god, I’m not that gorgeous.’ But it’s all from your heart though, and that’s why you can always feel gorgeous, one hundred percent. To say ‘I’m not that gorgeous’ is only a reflection of the media. You are gorgeous. I’m telling you.”  If Lil B can stay #positive even with all his jealous haters, you can stay #positive and win da booty’s affections!

—#basedvice

Dear #basedvice,

How dat booty? Please help me understand da shelf-booty. I need to know, #basedvice. Please. Amen.

—I Envy da Booty

Dear I Envy da Booty,

Da Shelf-Booty is a #rare and the most #sacred of #based creatures.  Not much is known about these magnificent animals, but Lil B is one of the few humans to have deciphered their language and works as translator and envoy of Shelf-Booties to the general public.  This is a very time consuming task it is amazing that even a #legend like “The Basedgod” has time to do such a selfless service for the world with his busy #based schedule, but that is why he is a #LEGEND.  Wow lil b is amazing like wow how can he even exist. wow #socialjustice

—#basedvice

Dear advice friend,

I really like my girlfriend, but recently she’s been making sexual requests that put me out of my comfort zone. I don’t want to do anything to put myself in bodily discomfort or harm, but I also don’t want be a buzzkill. My girlfriend’s really great and I’m afraid that my “intimacy issues” could put a strain on our relationship, especially because maintaining a relationship can be trying here. I’d like to be more comfortable. Should I concede and take this relationship in stride, or should I “hit it and quit it?”

–Sexxy and I Know It*

*Sent from my Windows Phone

Dear Sexxy and I Know It,

wow windows phones are so #based wow.  Lil b would be proud wow.  His blessings go with your phone.  wow.  Only be with someone who accepts who you are!  In order to be #based you must be real!  Otherwise they are dating someone who is fake and those relationships are only deprecating to all parties involved!  Go only as far as you want!  When Lil B was young and had not realized the potential of “The Basedgod” yet remembers he, “sued to be so scared ti have sex in highscool this girl asked me to hve sex, i told her ok i lied and never came bac”  see even Lil B had the same issues.  But you have an advantage over him too, you can  get Lil B to fuck your girlfriend and your relationship will be stronger than it ever could be!  This is an amazing opportunity for you!  wow!  Believe in yourself! in Lil B! in “The Basedgod”

—#basedvice

Dear #basedvice,

Why can’t I feel my kidney?

—What Happened Last Night

Dear What Happened Last Night,

Last night something happened to me too!  “The Basedgod” came to me while I was asleep and spoke to me “BALANDADNADANG” he said, his voice rumbling and resonating from the universe of the past present and future.  When I woke I was covered with a cold sweat that could only mean that something of pure #based was in my room last night.  I thought long and hard on the secrets revealed to me in my dream but could not discern the meaning.  But with your question the last piece of the puzzle has been added to the differential equation.  The bad news:  you kidney was infected by an #unbased magic evil alien space demon from Unbasedworld.  The good news:  “The Basedgod, in his #based wisdom, transported your kidney to the healing atmosphere of Basedworld where it will be cleanses of the malignant tumor planted there #TYBG

—#basedvice

Dear #basedvice,

What the fuck is an aquifer?

—This is an Important Question

Dear This is an Important Question,

Yes I believe it is.  Throughout the #basedscriptures “The Basedgod” also raises many questions like,  “What is sodium nitrate an lactic acid starter culture?  And sodium nitrite?” and “is milk supposed to be drunk?  if so what kind do yóu drink?  whats your thoughts on milk?  sum1 else said adults shudnt drink it” and the earth shaking revelations from “CAN U BE MAD AT ME FOR COMING INTOA WORLD WHERETHERE IS VIOLENCE? RAPE? WHERE I READ THE TEXT BOOKS ABOUT SLAVERY? IS IT MY FAULT?”  The point is that we all have questions that are personal to us that when answered can change us.  hopefully to be more #based but sometimes not.  We just have to believe in “The Basedgod!”  Also it’s a body of permeable rock that can contain or transmit groundwater.

—#basedvice