i have seen atrocities. i’ve seen pictures of lattes uploaded to instagram and labeled as ‘art’. i saw a red rectangle titled ‘Red’ in a museum and read an incomprehensible run-on sentence for Spanish. all of these are ‘art’ and are ‘artistic’ works made by ‘artists’.
so, illogically, i have declarifyed myself to be an artist too. therefor everything i to create is art, for i am a creative and artistical artiste. i have thenceforth (whoa spellcheck says that’s a real word!) decided to make an Art and this Art is to be a story. this could very well be the greatest story ever written. it could also be a piece of shit but then you and the story would have a lot in common!
of this to be the story that is to introduce the protagonist to you! from now on the protagonist’s name shall be seth mcfarzlbars and if you cant pronounce that in your head than just stop.
if you’re still with me, +1 for you! also -1 for procrastinating which is what you’re probably doing. go do your homework.
anyway wear was i? oh yes, seth mcfarzlbars have a freind name clar piraten, who is dread. and dreaded. and dreadlocked. her full title is lady clar piraten the dred. scott is also a person, but he is not important and you should ignore.
*Are you hungry? Go eat something.*
back to storytime. wella clar come to room of the seth and to seth she speak playfully, “mothafucka wham bam whatchu up to mcseth?”
“tumblar” seth respond
“what diligent discourse” acomment clar.
“yo clar i hella got something of to say” seth speak nervously of.
clar to look in iris. “what troubling you mr mcfarzlbars?” she sez in a most serious tone.
seth is to take deep of breath andsez“clarigotstatelyai thinks im str8.”
“i am 100% serious”, said seth mcfarzlbars.
clar the dred piraten offer comforting words and pat seth on back. “im so prod of u seth. beside, pussy is grate!”
desfortunadamente afuera the doorframe stands Beanbag Ill, the menacing menace of this storyplot. and he is to know many peeps! he is of looking to smoke marijuana with seth. but seth is already high as balls and partake of no interest in partak-
ing. “juana smoke?” prods bean-
bag (lol) seth frown and say “nah brah” but that damage is done, for with smartfone mr ill hath already tolden the hole school. damn that rumor mill, millin’ out rumors like nobody’s business!
from cross valhalla ring out voice of Grin: “I’M JOHANNES KEPLER, I’M MADE OF SEMEN” which totally did happen in real life im not even kidding. Grin, who is not Johannes Kepler, is come up and propositionar a mr mcfarzlbars for hot steamy skex! but seth inform Grin that, alas, he is st8 and has finally come out of the cabinet.
“wait ur str8? brooooo” lol’ed Grin.
“sorry bro,” respond seth. “you cant cahoose yuor cloor, man. im just down for that wet wet kit kat and other euphamisms of exclusively heterosexual nature.”
“ew gross yeer wired” to say Grin, “maybs it’s a faze.”
“idk bro,” say seth. “sorry if i cannot to be part of your 80/20 Experience.”
*Did you know that you can cut plastic with a tablesaw?*
next day is seth’s first day linguistics class of! to be excited is he! there exist cute girlz in his class! oh boy! but he must keep his longings a secret, for in the environ of Grinnell Kawledj to be a [h]omosexual bears grate social capital!!! relinquishing that social capital to be a bisex is bad enough and is to induce much naïve questioning, but to admit being a str8 persona who has come out of the cabinet is practically a disgrace! not to mention to the parentals! oh, tsk tsk, they just wouldn’t understand. in fact, they might even kick you out the of house; since issues such as overtpopulation threaten da planet, being str8 is, well, dane jeross!
well its linguistsics class. Although Tequila’s hair flows like a noraweigian waterfossen in beauteous cascade from headtop onto shoulder, seth is to have no problem focusing en clase, for linguisticalisms are to fascinate him!
teacher climb atop countertop in front of classroom. teacher is a mere toddlar but has attained professor status through coolness. todays lesson is be on Syntax.
in stereotypic british accent, the toddlar teachar speak.
“Water. Waterfall. Butterfly.”
the class murmur agreement in. repeat teachor, “Waterfall. Butterfly. Piano. Electronic Battery.” Then, Enlightenment! the class now understands the rules of Syntax. from back of class a voice come. it does not form coherent sentence: “but what about of that which for not so yet feeling with denigrate alohamora jambolaya playa have not with which has?” man, that hurts just to read! its like Miss Teen South Carolina up in this bitch. the teacher try best to answer, but stupid the be question. the voice babble again, and silently the class rage. ohhhhh they rage.
silently. shh don’t tell. later, while seth and Grin and clar sit together, seth is to receive a most message peculiar! on the Book of Face, receive a poke! FROM A GIRL?!!? well most obviousamente if one is to recibir a poke from a girl, well that CLEARLY indicate a desire for a noche de hot sexo! but who is this girl? WHY HOLY FUCK IT IS SETHS UNITORN NALA! damn, she the baddest of bitches, and she complimented seth on his titration last week! could this be love?!?!
seth considers…pokes back. seconds pass and she back poke him again! “HOLY SHIT CLAR WE HELLA GON FUK, OH SHIT PANIC IS ThIS REAL”
clar face smack seth. “calm your shit seth. you’re a fucktard” well that noche he pay visit to Nala! she is tall and olive and her skin glows in soft yellow light. seth feel less hot than Nala and ask, “porque yo?”
Nala deja de besar a seth para decir “that Beanbag Ill tell me that you are to liek grilles and im and wella seth feel hella lucky. maybe Beanbag isn’t as bad as previously believed.
Grin to ask seth, “is that how all str8 relaciones start, with simple something as a pokey on the Book of Face?”
“wella Grin i guesses so,” sez seth mcfarzlbars, who postsmoke is to think of the olive skeen of Nala which is so soft and smooth…damn. seth fall into dreamworld of outer space and Nala body.
seth sit in linguistics class. Sumperimposed in his field of vision, his palm on the back of Nala’s head, and through her smooth black hair run fingers his. Fingers of Nala with length-medium nails trace his arm so gently that only the fingernailtips touch the hairs on arm that are translucently cleargold in the small amount of morning light that come in of through the blinds. The sensation is so light and so slight in perfect imagination that, back in real life, shiver seth. When shiver, seth snap back and see that in reality, he be in linguistics class. toddlar teacher is not at board, but instead on roomfront countertop again. she is teaching semantics.
“goo goo, gaa, goo goo gaa gaa” speak the teachar. the class instantaneously understands the complexities of semantics.
seth begins reloading the sexy daydream of Nala’s caress but pausa, he feels something moderately incredible is about to happen.
toddlar teachir look direct in irises of seth mcfarzlbars and a powerful, gentle, omnipresent voice fill the head of seth.
the voice speaks The Word.
suddenly, seth understands meaning of life. meaning of life is bacon. in a glow of brilliant golden light, seth transcend into heaven, where everyone is straight, and therefor obviously likes bacon. thank goodness