For the week of 11/16-11/22
Aries – You will be hit with an overwhelming urge to watch Dragonball-Z for hours and hours. Watch Bob’s Burgers instead.
Taurus – Each cheeseburger you eat this week will extend your lifespan by 14 days. Just keep that in mind.
Gemini – Lol. Just give up, go home, smoke weed, and get over it.
Cancer – The last “Nigerian Prince” email you got? Yeah. It was an actual Nigerian prince. Nice going.
Leo – That couple you want to have a threesome with? Yeah. They’re totally down.
Virgo – No matter how tempting it is, DO NOT ADOPT THE PUPPY.
Libra – Your strange dreams involving Ryan Reynolds will take a surprising turn this week, when parts of the dream not related to Ryan Reynolds will come true. It is only a coincidence, and you will not actually get to cook Spaghetti-O’s with Ryan Reynolds.
Scorpio – Someone will say something important to you, but you’ll mishear them. It will ruin your friendship forever.
Sagittarius – Nicki Minaj is the same sign as you. Think about it.
Capricorn – You will finish all your work, ahead of schedule, as usual.
Aquarius – You’ll do a lot better in DoTA this week than normal. Go pwn some noobs, brah. Relish in the glory.
Pisces – You are two fish.