This Week’s Bubblescopes

For the week of 11/16-11/22

Aries – You will be hit with an overwhelming urge to watch Dragonball-Z for hours and hours. Watch Bob’s Burgers instead.

 

Taurus – Each cheeseburger you eat this week will extend your lifespan by 14 days. Just keep that in mind.

 

Gemini – Lol. Just give up, go home, smoke weed, and get over it.

 

Cancer – The last “Nigerian Prince” email you got? Yeah. It was an actual Nigerian prince. Nice going.

 

Leo – That couple you want to have a threesome with? Yeah. They’re totally down.

 

Virgo – No matter how tempting it is, DO NOT ADOPT THE PUPPY.

 

Libra – Your strange dreams involving Ryan Reynolds will take a surprising turn this week, when parts of the dream not related to Ryan Reynolds will come true. It is only a coincidence, and you will not actually get to cook Spaghetti-O’s with Ryan Reynolds.

 

Scorpio – Someone will say something important to you, but you’ll mishear them. It will ruin your friendship forever.

 

Sagittarius – Nicki Minaj is the same sign as you. Think about it.

 

Capricorn – You will finish all your work, ahead of schedule, as usual.

 

Aquarius – You’ll do a lot better in DoTA this week than normal. Go pwn some noobs, brah. Relish in the glory.

 

Pisces – You are two fish.

4 Comments

  1. “PISCES-YOU ARE TWO FISH”

    lololololol <3 I've totally said that

  2. tragic capricorn

    November 17, 2015 at 2:46 AM

    honestly my inability to live up to the expectations prescribed by my sign is the source of a lot of insecurity and shame for me

  3. as an anti-marijuana gemini, I am extremely offended by this post. please stop perpetuating the harmful weed culture at this institution. disgusted. shame on the gum

    • Max Christensen

      December 1, 2015 at 9:14 PM

      As an anti anti-marijuana-gemini gemini, I am extremely offended by this response. Please stop perpetuating the harmful “I like having problems with things” culture at this institution. Disgusted.

      Max
      Problem Child
      GUM

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